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10 Things That Will Make You A Perfect Mom

OMG! Just kidding! I HOPE that you opened this link because you wanted to prove me wrong. What kind of arrogant bitch would I have to be to suggest that I have all the answers? Anyone who claims that they do is definitely full of shit.

While you are here though, let’s have some laughs. Here are 10 things that someone at some point has suggested will make or break your go at motherhood. Some are ridiculous and some are painfully common, but don’t take my word for it…

1. Tattoos. There are religious groups out there - fruit-loop kool-aid type religious groups - who claim that getting tattoos will make you a terrible mother. They even go as far as to claim that the toxins in the ink used for tattoos will cause birth defects in babies. This is just another case of assholes trying to control what women choose to do with their own bodies. Let’s all go out and get a ‘cults suck’ tattoo!

2. Cursing. People think that if you curse in front of your kids you are a terrible person and you are going to hell. (Where all of the fun people end up anyways). The only thing that will happen to you if you curse in front of your kids is that your kids will curse and probably embarrass you big time at some point. So do what you want. Just so that you know though, people who use profanity regularly have been proven to be more honest and intelligent than the average Jo.

3. You HAVE to go to church. Or your kids will go to hell, (where all of the fun people are), or limbo or whatever the fuck other made up place the church is preaching about these days. I love church, but we go to the UU where everybody is loved and accepted no matter what they believe and n’ere a word about hell is uttered, (unless we want to because we do what we want…respectfully).

4. C-sections. Yep, the same coo-coo religious do do birds with the tattoo fetish believe that if you have a c-section you are a bad mother and a weak shitty person in general. Putting down a life saving procedure as part of your controlling bully bullshit pulpit is just…well it shows just how wango taco you are. I hope that if any woman or child ever dies because of this batshit, they put the pricks who are preaching it behind bars forever. If you need a c-section, get one - duhhhhh….

5. You have to do everything possible to get your kids into the most uppity-ass, private, expensive pre-school that you can or they are never going to go to college and they will end up living in the streets. Okay: kids would probably be getting a better education than they would at those places if you let them run around barefoot in the woods everyday until they are fifteen. College is fucking ridiculously expensive and guarantees ZERO employment in this day and age. Teach your kids to be conscientious, and to value good hard work and they will be just fine. Putting them in that pissy environment with Chaz and Tippy will only give them better chances of becoming a selfish, racist, asshole who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but themselves.

6. NEVER feed them junk food! Good grief, we are all human beings. We get tired, we get busy, and we get short on cash. You are not murdering your children if you aren’t feeding them homemade gluten-free, organic, GMO-free, fat-free, oil-free, vegan meals three times a day. We do what we can to feed our kids the healthiest food possible, and that gets really damn hard for people on limited budgets. Better advice is not to ever tell anyone else what to feed their own children. If it is important to you, lead by example and keep your mouth shut and your nose in your own damn business.

7. Don’t let them be dirty. There are some different kinds of dirt out there. Earth: as in soil is not bad for children. Filth, as in the grossness accumulated by humans not cleaning - is the bad end of the ‘dirt’ spectrum, and yes you should keep your kids clean of that shit, but letting them play in the dirt and the mud is WAY better for them than letting them play clean and tidy video games all day. Also, as to the grossness - my son is disgusting. I have watched him peel things off of the bottom of his foot and eat them before. But, you know what? The kiddo rarely ever gets sick. The rest of us suffer, and he has immunity from eating foot-dirt, so all that bacteria might not be as bad as you think.

8. You have to be the most super awesome, chauffeur, biggest fan, soccer-mom ever!!! Yay…NO! Some kids like sports. Some kids don’t. Some mom’s like sports. I loathe them. My husband does sports with our kids. I rarely go to games and when I do I have to hold down the vomit that the other sports moms compel me to produce. These people are obsessed with the PERFORMANCE of their children. Do you know what that can do to kids? I often wonder if they have their own lives at all. All that they do is babble on and on about which coach let Xander play the longest last week, and how to get the other one fired. They completely disgust me. I want to slap them silly with a classic in American literature until they agree to read something for a change. If your kids like sports, let them play. In normal circumstances all that they need is a clear field and a ball, and maybe a stick - the rest is just excessive.

9. You absolutely have to throw your kids bat mitzvah sized birthday events every year complete with live pony, valet, and monogrammed fucking napkins, or they will have unhappy childhoods and hate you forever. Dude, NO, just be a good parent and show your kids that you love them. All of that batshit fanfare is what truly bad parents use to cover up all of their inadequacies like the fact that they don’t know how to have an honest conversation with their own children. SPENDING quality time with your kids just enjoying life is what they will remember looking back, not what you bought them or the fucking party that you threw to outdo Brittany’s parents.

10. You must leave your children in the care of whatever asshole family member requests to have them. You do not! If your dad is a fucking drunk who hits you are not required to leave your precious children in his care. You do not have to feel guilty about telling him to go to hell when he asks. He will relentlessly try to make you feel guilty about this. Your enabling mother will cry and tell you how much you are hurting them. Do not do it. You do not have to prove your love to your shitty relatives by offering your children up for them to abuse. You do not have to expose them to your racist uncle who tries to lure people into conversations so that he can lecture them about niggers. People have been doing it for generations, but it can stop with you. Your kids deserve better, and frankly so do you.


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6. Invest in Mood Lighting

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18. Smile at Strangers

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20. Savor Small Portions

21. Stretch

22. Take Pictures

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24. Give Hugs

25. Listen Carefully

26. Beautify your Space

27. Share your Favorite Movie 

28. Laugh Generously

29. Accept Gifts Gratefully 

30. Give Thanks