I think that we are all still a little stunned. Wednesday I cried all morning and all afternoon. I cried so hard that I gave myself an unyielding headache and everything that I ate wanted to come right back up.
Wednesday night I watched the kids at church while their parents attended fellowship, so I had to pull out of it, paste on a smile & trudge on.
Thursday and Friday, thankfully, I had a large Thanksgiving party to prepare for, so I immersed myself in my cooking and my cleaning.
On Saturday, we marched for Gay Pride. It was powerful and important, and I think that we all gained some healing for being a part of it.
Early on Sunday, back with the kids at church again, and then home yesterday afternoon to exhausted to do much of anything but heat leftovers and take solace in Harry Potter movies.
Now, it is Monday Morning and I find myself crying at my desk again. Not with the same gut wrenching pain that I did that first day, but with the ongoing numbness that I have felt ever since.
I am so overwhelmingly disappointed in the people of my country. I know that nobody needs a lecture today, but that is all that I feel. I grieve for my homeland.
The reasons that I love America is because we are the heroes, because we fight to stand up for those weaker than ourselves, because we are always there to lend a hand to someone in need, because we want to make the world a better place. We still do, don’t we?
Most of what I am seeing from my countrymen today is directly in contrast with those beliefs. I see Americans entrenched in selfishness…it is predominately selfishness, but I also see righteousness, vengefulness, and hate.
So I hide myself away in my community of UUs, the people who work to always defend the America that I believe in. The people who give me hope and make me feel like I belong somewhere.
It is as if I am in Oz all of the sudden, and someone has lifted back the curtain, or taken my rose colored glasses away from me. As if all of the progress that we have worked so hard for, was all just a daydream.
I am in mourning for the country that I believed that I lived in. For the world that I always defended to be “Getting Better Every Day, One Step at a Time.”
Now I am just not sure anymore.
I believed that my friend’s mean old father who would latch onto whoever he could at a family gathering and get to his work of making them as miserable as he is, even if just for that moment, was only one sad, bitter, old man.
How could I have known that my country was stuffed full of this kind of human, from whom I need an entire day emotionally recover, after having been subjected to their baseless vitriol?
How can we possibly have a bright future when our country is teeming with resentful, ignorant, hate-mongers who outright refuse to acknowledge how good this life truly is…Humans who have hearts seemingly devoid of gratefulness?
Five days later, I am compelled to go out and start explaining to people what it is like to live in the way that so many people live, all over the world today, with no possibilities, no hope, and no future, but that of more abuse, and loss, and pain.
I would like to explain to angry white men in this country how much they now stand to lose at the hands of the demagogue who tricked them. A loss that will be far smaller than the the loss that the unprivileged majority of our country will suffer at the hands of hate.
Yes, the privileged of our country are white christian men, and the rights of all other peoples are at risk today.
I would like to be hopeful for my family and my friends, those who are seeking out hope in scarcity right now, but I have read this story far too many times before to logically foresee a different ending to it at this point in history.
All that I can do is to gather strength. The strength to make the right decisions that will make this fallout as minimal as possible.
I will stand with the people of my beautiful brave country.
Humanity is my Race.
Love is my Religion.
Peace is my Weapon.
This is all we have.