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Super-Fun Angry Aggressive Unsatisfied Land! (Adult Language)

Anyone who works in customer service has come across this one particular breed of individual who doesn’t seem to be made happy by anything on earth. I swear, in the past, I have worked with human beings who would not have been satisfied if I had stabbed myself repeatedly as penance for their entirely irrational disgruntlement.

I was once accused of being racist by a customer in my flower shop, because although we carried candles with little pink-skinned pilgrims, we did not have any with little African American pilgrims on them. Mull that over for a sec before the obtuse irony hits you.

I have decided that this variety of homo sapiens is an untapped market that is in dire need of exploitation, especially after the way that they have been torturing all of us for all of these years.

There is one glaring reality that I believe holds true for each and every one of them. They are bored as hell, and they all need something to goddamned do. If they did not have gobs and gobs of free time on their hands, how would they manage to stalk us on public media and troll site after site leaving ass-holey comments, while perpetually refusing the refunds that we offer them?

The solution, I believe, is a specially designed theme park, just for them, or possibly even a chain of parks, considering the massive amounts of them who seem to be thriving in our great nation.

Of course, the largest portion of our park would be the customer service stations spaced conveniently every couple of hundred feet throughout the park. I say that we go old-school however, and face the fact that none of them really want to be serviced, so we say fuck it and just call the damn things complaint centers, or even gripe gardens, or bitch barns.

The games would consist primarily of dunking booths, but we will be sure to provide all manners of men women and children to dunk in addition to baby ducks and cute kittens.

In the shows we will showcase all varieties of wildlife, especially Orcas and dolphins, forcing human beings to perform humiliating tricks for food. This will be especially delightful for the anti-caps and the PeTArs for sure…but only if the animals are allowed to whip the humans and draw blood.

The restaurants shall feature gluten-free, casein-free, vegan, low-salt, low-calorie, allergen-free, fat-free, sugar-free foods that taste fucking delicious, give you more energy, multiple orgasms, and make you loose weight.    

There will be no rides. Only unlimited, free, electric wheelchairs with exceptionally loud horns, six cup holders, and attached strollers with a capacity for children up to two hundred pounds in weight.

Don’t get me wrong my friends; I know that if it were not for these special individuals, none of us would have any damn jobs to begin with.

And so in closing: thank you internet lady who made my friend in the call center help her out with her personal website which displayed pictures of her naked and spread eagle, and burnt their images into my poor friend’s retinas for life, thank you activist who told me that I should go and drown myself in a bathtub (I volunteered for that one, didn’t even get paid to be abused), thank you lady who yelled at me at my fucking coffee cart for steeping her damn tea incorrectly which we were only carrying in the first place because of her complaint, thank you angry, hungry, picky restaurant-goers who have put many of my dear manager friends in tears more than once, and thank you lady who is currently trolling myself and my entire team and wasting countless hours of each and every one of our time while demoralizing us in the process…I guarantee you that despite your efforts we will live to see another day.

Enjoy, Super-Fun Angry Aggressive Unsatisfied Land! We can’t wait to see you there! We aim to please! (Now accepting applications. Understandably, jobs at our park are entirely un-endurable by humans in a normal state; therefore all employees will be provided daily rations of MDMA and lithium.)


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Resolve to be Happy

1. Stay In

2. Read Books

3. Let it go to Voice Mail

4. Write a Letter

5. Dance

6. Invest in Mood Lighting

7. Have Dinner with Friends 

8. Take Walks

9. Bake

10. Breathe Deeply

11. Enjoy your Morning Coffee

12. Play Board Games

13. Hug your Pillows

14. Adopt a New Ritual

15. Look Around

16. Give a Gift

17. Happy Cry

18. Smile at Strangers

19. Cuddle

20. Savor Small Portions

21. Stretch

22. Take Pictures

23. Use Profanity Freely

24. Give Hugs

25. Listen Carefully

26. Beautify your Space

27. Share your Favorite Movie 

28. Laugh Generously

29. Accept Gifts Gratefully 

30. Give Thanks