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Forty Steps To Leaving Town For Thanksgiving






 


 1. Put off any packing until two days ahead of time. The suitcases take up too much space in the house.

2. Take out your own suitcase and spend ten minutes packing all of the warm clothing that you never wear. You have no idea if it fits, just hope for the best.

3. Remove cat from suitcase.

4. Add some hats and scarves to suitcase.

5. Give daughter one large suitcase for the two girls. Argue with her for ten minutes about the fact that she has to share. Listen to her rant and moan from the other room for another twenty minutes.

6. Chat with neighbor to see if she can come over to feed the cat. Remind husband that you are still waiting to hear if the dog can come along.

7. Have a talk with your other daughter about why her sister is trying to pack all of her clothes into grocery bags and refuses to use the shared suitcase.

8. Remove cat from suitcase and add running clothes even though you have never gone for a run on vacation before.

9. Wake up on the day before the trip with a horrible sense of dread that you have already forgotten something.

10. Pull out ingredients to take on vacation for making sugar free gluten free pies.

11. Remove cat from suitcase and add one bra, one pair of underwear and a pair of gloves.

12. Give small suitcase to son and listen as he calls around the house in victory, informing everyone that he gets his own suitcase.

13. Carry toiletry bag to bathroom and leave in front of sink without adding any items.

14. Remove cat from suitcase and add sweats and t-shirts to sleep in.

15. Take out suitcase for husband, and stare at it for ten minutes while it sits open on bed.

16. Go to closet and spend fifteen minutes looking for underwear to pack for husband, the resulting find being two pairs.

17. Attempt to control feeling of dread over being completely unprepared for trip. Decide that packing the camera and kindle are just what you need to make you feel better.

18. Attempt to grind nuts for piecrust in the nutritional shake mixer assuming that this will be more efficient.

19. Scream at nutritional shake mixer for five minutes before transferring unground nuts to food processor to finish the job correctly.

20. Remove cat from husband’s suitcase and add ten pairs of mismatched socks.

21. Travel to Target to buy cheap gloves for children because even though you already own fifteen pairs, no one can find any.

22. Come home without any gloves because the crowd at Target was so frightening you did not want to get hurt in an attempt to reach the glove section of the store.

23. Remove cat from husband’s suitcase and fill it with the trendy pants and shirts that he refuses to wear at home.

24. Stop son from carrying suitcase to car. Ask him if he remembered to pack socks and underwear. Send him back to his room.

25. Watch in horror as husband removes cat from his suitcase and proceeds to unpack it in search of nameless garment. Only cry a little before re-packing suitcase.

26. Awaken on day of trip at five in the morning with no idea where you are.

27. Shower while reciting a list of what to take on trip and repeating the mantra “It’s going to be a holiday to remember!”

28. Dry off wet toiletries before finally packing. Check for toothbrush five times. Check for husband’s toothbrush six times.

29. Remove cat from your own suitcase and finish packing…maybe.

30. Call out to children to ask them if they remembered to pack toothbrushes.

31. Spend ten minutes attempting to talk the cat out of her impending depression.

32. While packing snacks for the trip, decide that you need vodka. Think better of it and pack a second bottle of vodka.

33. Allow the family to carry the bags to the car while reminding self to stop on the way for holiday cigarettes.

34. Remember to pack food for the dog.

35. Go out to the car to see what was forgotten. Add pillows and blankets and dog. Remove cat and place in house.

36. Spend ten minutes chasing family out of house to ensure that you are the last one out.

37. Circle house ten times to make sure that no water is running, the doors are locked, security lights on, and fans off.

38. Remember that you forgot to pack any shoes. Chase child out of house who also forgot to pack any shoes.

39. Check house once more while grabbing shoes for yourself and your forgetful child.

40. Pry cat out of arms of screaming child and return to house. Leave house. Come back for forgotten toiletry bag containing toothbrushes.





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