My husband and I often get compliments from our good friends on what a healthy marriage we have. I will not deny it, we work very hard on it, and it is a particularly healthy one. That being said, it is not a perfect marriage, because nothing is perfect, and having that expectation of anything sets us up for failure. We, like everyone, hit bumps in the road from time to time, we have arguments, and we go through things that we need to sort out together. Often, these things come to a head when we are under extra stress, or are feeling particularly vulnerable for one reason or another.
The reason that I may have been touchy yesterday was because I had to go to the dentist. Not even for me, but for my daughter, which might honestly be even more traumatic for me, then when I go for myself. If you have read my blogs, you may already know that I am pretty strongly iatrophobic. Doctors and dentists scare me witless, and I have to work up a lot of gumption to stand up to them. This was the third dentist that we were seeing on the same issue. Blessedly, the appointment went pretty well. I finally found some people who were willing to listen to me, and compromise in regards to my daughter’s treatment. I think that the whole thing left me somewhat emotionally deflated however.
My mistake was that rather then recognizing my state of mind yesterday, I deflected it into further vulnerability and I allowed myself to feel jealous about my husband sharing his time with me. It was completely unfair to him, and I was behaving like a very needy woman, demanding his time. This caused an argument, of course. It happens. We are pretty good at getting through these. We get better every day at uncovering the root causes of our behaviors. I understand that it is ridiculous for me to feel jealous about not getting enough of my husband’s time, when he puts all of his time and energy into bettering our lives.
My point is, it happens. I have never met any couple that does not argue. I know a few couples that may look to everyone else that they never get in arguments, but I know better. We all come with baggage, we all come with opinions, and it would be impossible to expect that two partners will always be aligned on everything that they face in life. If they are then they are probably not doing it right. We learn by making mistakes, and if we are never making any mistakes then we aren’t learning much. Relationships are complicated, life is not simple, and for people who are raising kids…I mean seriously…sometimes I wonder how we even do it. If you are in a marriage or a partnership, and you are making it work every day, you are doing a damn good job! Even if nobody else is recognizing that fact, I am. Nobody is perfect, and even when you mess up, you are doing a good job, a really, really good job! Just keep it up, and remember to give yourself some kudos sometimes.