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I Am Over It

I Am Over It

I feel truly and deeply sorry for my child self. I was basically petrified about the repercussions of every single thing that I did each day.  I was horrified about getting called out and made fun of in math class, because I wasn’t any good at math and my teacher liked to publicly shame the dumb kids. I was scared to death to wear the wrong outfit to school. I remember trying on outfit after outfit in the hopes of finding something that would simply make me blend in more, or look less fat, or give the other girls less of a reason to bully me. I was always worried that my parents would get a call at home declaring that I had done something wrong, yet again, and lose my privileges to my only solace; television.

As I grew older, I still had a lot of fears about rules that other people put in place, societal rules, rules of conduct and politeness. I was raised to believe that there were certain things that you always did; no matter what. I was convinced that if someone walked into my house and the carpet wasn’t vacuumed, they would report the incident directly to child services. Because I have a natural compulsion to do everything my own way, I have always had an intense fear of authority figures. Doctors give me the creeps, and I am even a little uneasy around firemen.

Here is a post that I put on my Facebook today:

This was my response to Joey and Cy's teacher telling me that we had not finished one of their tests "according to the administration". I guess I am getting over it:

We finished all of our tests on Tuesday last week. Is there a problem? Just let me know and we will re-take whatever we have to. We are used to this.

Thanks, Mrs. Mataluni

Life and experience have gotten me over a heck of a lot. I am still afraid of spiders, and I worry about the people I love being hurt in car accidents, but there is a whole lot that I don’t give a crap about anymore. I guess that being a mother of three got me over embarrassment, for the most part. When you are forced to walk around in public with stains all over yourself, and witness your son telling the entire check out lane how big his winkie is…there isn’t much left in life to be embarrassed about. I am over worrying about saying or doing anything that will drive my friends away, because if they are that easily offended then we probably aren’t a very good match anyways.

I have also gotten greatly over the school system. I am at the point where I am counting down the days until my kids can walk into the local high school and demand to take their GED. The other day my daughter asked me to help her with a math problem that was on a test she was taking online. She read it to me and told me that she just didn’t understand what it was. I told her that it was a math problem specifically designed to make dyslexic children fail. This crap has been in our children’s curriculum since I was diagnosed with dyslexia at age eight, and they haven’t done a thing to change it. My policy about public school is that we do what it takes to keep the administration happy, and then we do actual learning on our own.

This change in my life is incredibly freeing, and the time that I used to spend worrying about things, is now time spent being productive. I believe a greater understanding of the love that surrounds us has given me the courage to be who I am, without regrets. I have spent so much time in my life fearing and regretting things. It is time that I have wasted. I hope that through my experiences, I will be able to save some of that time for my children. I hope that by witnessing my example of metered fearlessness they will end up fearing less in their own lives, because getting over it definitely has its advantages.


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