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20 Things…that are ridiculous about me.


20 Things…that are ridiculous about me.

1.     I am afraid to get a pedicure because I am convinced that I will come home with some strange foot disease. I have never had one.
2.     I have a lot of trouble eating food in ambient lighting. I need to see my food very clearly before I put it in my mouth.
3.     I tell the same stories over and over. I try not to…I have developed the ability to identify the looks on most of my friends faces when I am telling a story over again, so at least they don’t have to listen to the whole thing.
4.     I spend a good portion of my day wandering around looking for my lost cup of coffee.
5.     Even though my hearing is perfectly fine, I can not understand what anyone is saying to me over the phone. With the exception of my mother, whom I am for some reason able to understand, I just agree with the person on the other end of the line periodically. It is easier than saying, “What? What? What?” This is why I prefer texting and messaging.
6.     I am a monster grump in the morning. For the first fifteen minutes after I wake up, I will bite your head off if you speak to me.
7.     When I have had too much to drink, I am one of those people who tries to make best friends with strangers, especially strangers who are ethnically different from me.
8.     Even though I am great in the kitchen, and love to create recipes, I am still a hot mess when it comes to preparing an over easy egg.
9.     I exaggerate percentages with frightening consistency when I am trying to prove my point in a conversation.
10. Everything makes me cry. I am a ridiculous sap, children, commercials, whatever. I tear up at the drop of a hat…I really should have perused my dream of acting…in tragedies.
11. I have an insane adoration for musicals. I would be so happy if people broke out into song and dance in the streets on a daily basis, I cannot tell you.
12. I will eat mayonnaise on anything. I love the stuff so much, I eat it on apples, steak, chili, and scrambled eggs…to name a few.
13. As a result of birthing my daughter’s thirteen-inch head I often pee a little when I sneeze, or when I laugh. I will actually pause to cross my legs when I feel a sneeze coming on to prevent this.
14. I am obsessively thrifty. I rarely ever buy anything at full price. When my husband plans to make dinner and asks me what I want, my common response is, “Whatever is on sale.”
15. I only pet dogs with my feet. I feel the need to wash my hands every time that I touch a dog, so I pet them with my feet instead. My poor dog occasionally gets petted with my hands…and then I go wash them.
16. I forget things a lot. Faces always stick with me, but names, dates, and lots of things that my husband swears he has told me…I just forget.
17. I am chronically fearful of a bug crawling in my ear. I sleep on my side and I make sure that my hair covers the opposite ear every night when I go to sleep. I do this relatively unconsciously.
18. I fight with inanimate objects. For instance: if I stub my toe on the sofa, I will blame the sofa for attacking me, yell at it, and hit it.
19. I jump up and down and do a happy dance every time that I am eating something really delicious.
20. I will not eat grapes because I believe that they resemble eyeballs. I will eat cherry tomatoes but only if they are cut in half…preferably fourths.


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Actually...

I actually really dislike Oprah Winfrey as a talk show host and television personality.

I was home with my kids when they were babies and I had her show on a lot. Then at one point I remember her and her friend going into a Walmart and just cracking up over the fact that they were so frigging isolated by their current wealth that they didn’t understand how things worked there. Like the way that the plastic hangers operated or something…

I remember being absolutely disgusted at their behavior. Not only that someone who presents her life story as having grown up in poverty would turn around and make fun of the fact that she doesn’t understand how people who are not as well off as her would live, but additionally to think that her audience is so much less intelligent than she is that not one of us would be offended by her behavior.

Well I was, and I haven’t watched a thing that woman has put out in the past ten years.

I do think she is a brilliant actress though, even so, I couldn’t watch …