Twenty Things…you realize after you have kids.
1. You cannot stand noise. You never knew it before, but it bothers you so much that you are often compelled to put your hands over your ears. You ask your kids to turn the volume down on all kinds of noises that they make…all day long.
2. Your immune system is beyond amazing. If you consider all of the germs that you inhale, ingest, and are poisoned with by your kids everyday; the fact that you get sick a handful of times a year in incredible!
3. You can multi-task like nobody’s business. If NASA were operated by stay at home parents with small children we would already have settlements on Venus.
4. You are an absolute badass! If one of your children was threatened you could literally tear a predator apart with your bear hands, and your fingernails, and your teeth.
5. People can’t drive, and they don’t give a crap about who they murder while they are driving badly. Their text message is far more important than the lives of your children or anyone else for that matter. It would be far worse for them to be late for their coffee date than to make your children orphans.
6. Coffee is no longer relevant. You drink it on automatic pilot, though as far as you know, the quantities that you have ingested over the past several years have completely burnt out your caffeine radar. The coffee buzz is a thing of the past.
7. Miracles are real! When you were meeting your sister for lunch last week, and you actually made it out of the house without a single stain on your entire outfit…that was a miracle! Then when you made it to the restaurant on time…two miracles in one day!
8. You have a cartoon nemesis. I think that every one of us does, it’s usually the jingle. Mine is Thomas The Train…that jingle makes me want to strangle something.
9. You are no longer embarrassed about anything. Maybe it was that last incident in the grocery store, when you told your son to take his hand out of his diaper, and he looked at you and told you how big his winky was. Maybe when all of the people in the check out line laughed their heads off…maybe that is when it happened.
10. It is useless to attempt to focus on anything when your children are around. No plot of a movie will ever be successfully followed. No exercise routine will be finished un-interrupted. No singular paragraph of a book will be read without your brain being sucked away from it by small children’s demands.
11. Privacy is an illusion. Get used to it. There are always little ears listening and little eyes watching you…even when you think that you are alone. My poor husband tries to close the bathroom door to poop in privacy. The children just go and stand outside of it and ask him questions the whole time that he is in there.
12. You are technically a scavenger. The children get hot meals and maybe your spouse does too. You however, get an occasional cold scrap. You have eaten the unfinished food off of your children’s plates. You have eaten spilled cereal off of the kitchen counter. Finding an old candy in your coat pocket is AWESOME!
13. There is no such thing as vacation. No matter where you go, if your kids are with you, you are still working your butt off twenty-four hours a day. If you go away without your kids…you are busy worrying about them twenty-four hours a day.
14. No one ever listens to you…ever. You could whisper or you could scream at the top of your lungs but for some reason the frequency of your voice is impossible to hear. You keep having their hearing checked, but the doctor insists that they are fine.
15. The children have been offered some sort of giant reward from some unknown benefactor if they can manage to drive you completely insane. You know that the pay off must be huge because they work to reach their goal relentlessly. They never take a day off.
16. Sleep is not a necessity, just a lucky perk when it actually happens. You hear your friends complaining about their insomnia and you are thinking to yourself that they are lucky…at least they just get to lie down in a quiet place. Wouldn’t that be nice?
17. Your parents are the happiest people in the entire universe ever since you had children. You can’t figure out if it is because they get to enjoy their grandchildren whenever they want and then hand them right back to you when they have gotten their fill or…are they just happy that they finally got their revenge?
18. You have no belongings. Not one thing that you own belongs to you. It is all community property. Your bed, your toothbrush, your toe nail clippers, your dinner…all of it!
19. Gnomes do exist. They live in your house. They are particularly fond of things like socks, pencils, underwear, scissors, mittens, erasers, pens, tape, toothbrushes, and hairbrushes. No matter how many of these items you purchase they continue to disappear and are never fond again. You need to buy stock in the companies that produce these items.
20. You never ever knew how much love you had to offer. Every time that one of your kids gives you a hug your heart fills and you feel like you have enough love to give away to the entire world...