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Life in the Swamp...with goopy kids.

Life in the Swamp

Kids are so disgusting. So unbelievably disgustingly gross. I’m going to try here, but it is nearly impossible to explain how true this is. My oldest daughter spit up in my husband’s mouth three times as an infant…three times. Yes, it was probably his fault too…somehow, but I still think that she was aiming for him.

This is not something that I am writing to traumatize the poor parents who have already been through the trenches, but to enlighten those who have not had children yet. I know that every mom and dad out there share the same stories. I should have seen it coming before they were even born. It was a good hint when I had paralyzing nausea for the first three months of my pregnancy with the twins…and then again with my youngest. I threw up and dry heaved so hard when I was pregnant that I had little red dots all around my eyes. I broke the capillaries in my face…super fun.

I wrote another entire short story about all of the poop and pee that goes along with parenthood. My twins did once have a literal poop fight. I have been peed on more times than I can count. Childbirth is really gross…yeah, yeah, it’s wonderful and beautiful and a miracle and all of that. I think that a lot of young women would think more seriously about birth control though, for instance, if they knew that after you have a baby you bleed so intensely for a couple of weeks that you have to wear special underwear. When my twins were having trouble latching on in breastfeeding my nipples were completely raw and bled no matter what I did…it is not uncommon.

The snot is a good one. When tiny people have colds, they don’t notice it. Unless an adult takes care of it for them their snot runs right out of their little noses and down into their mouths. They eat it, spit it out, and rub it on you. If it is left there long enough, it cakes onto their little faces and is nearly impossible to rub off. They will sneeze right in your face or in your bowl of cereal. They drool a lot…for several years of my life there was never a time when I didn’t have kid fluids on my clothing. I was thrilled on days when it all happened to be colorless for goodness sake.

I have dealt with nasty hangnails, diaper rashes, and blisters. I have cleaned vomit out of cars, carpets, couches, and off of stuffed animals. Many of those times the kiddos had passed on the flu to me as well so I was cleaning up the puke with a high fever. My son once had an abrasion on his elbow that he got infected with the strep virus. It was easily treated once I knew exactly what to use, but it was so disgusting.

I once woke up gaging to the smell of dead fish when my kids dumped a collection of seashells out on my bedroom floor, which happened to contain a week old dead crab. My dear friend Kellin saved my life one day when she dealt up with the clean up in my daughters, room. My son had been collecting seedpods in a cup from the yard. Maggots hatched out in the cup and it somehow got dumped in the middle of the girls’ bed. The woman is braver than I am…I could not go there. Thank god for good friends.
My youngest is eight years old now and I only have one boy. It is still rare for me to go through an entire day without a hefty dose of grossness. Children do not think ahead. If you aren’t hovering over them every second they will leave food almost anywhere in your house…to sit…for weeks if not found. Dirty clothes get shoved into all sorts of places. Things that get dropped do not get picked up…even when they are sticky or stinky or nasty. I guess that on the bright side we are all still alive, and have not died from some mutant fungus. Good thing that I love the goopy little people.


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I actually really dislike Oprah Winfrey as a talk show host and television personality.

I was home with my kids when they were babies and I had her show on a lot. Then at one point I remember her and her friend going into a Walmart and just cracking up over the fact that they were so frigging isolated by their current wealth that they didn’t understand how things worked there. Like the way that the plastic hangers operated or something…

I remember being absolutely disgusted at their behavior. Not only that someone who presents her life story as having grown up in poverty would turn around and make fun of the fact that she doesn’t understand how people who are not as well off as her would live, but additionally to think that her audience is so much less intelligent than she is that not one of us would be offended by her behavior.

Well I was, and I haven’t watched a thing that woman has put out in the past ten years.

I do think she is a brilliant actress though, even so, I couldn’t watch …