It is. This week is a little tricky for me. My grandmother is dying. She is ninety-two years old, and she has lived a long beautiful life. She is ready to go, and her body has given up. I am not so much upset with seeing her go, as the way that she is going. I think that she has been enduring a lot of pain that could have been prevented if our medical system were different. Even now, she is lying in a hospital bed, without any sort of life support. She is on morphine, but I wonder why we just can’t let her go without prolonging her pain. Yesterday there was a shift change and if my mother hadn’t been there to inform the nurse of my grandmother’s condition, she would have been suffering for several hours. I just can’t understand it.
At the same time, we have our twins’ tenth birthday party planned for this weekend. I don’t know when my husband and I are going to have to drop everything and get on a plane. I don’t know when to go shopping. I missed the garbage pick up this morning. I have been crying so much that my face is sore and my eyes are swollen. I have to keep this energy going so that I can deal with rejections from literary agents gracefully, all of the time remembering that it is normal and my novel is really good. My kids and my husband keep asking me what they can do but I don’t know. I need to look up the poems that I am supposed to read at the funeral…
Yesterday, my youngest daughter picked up some sort of virus out of the blue and her temperature just kept climbing like crazy. I have studied a lot about children being sick. I know that fevers are okay, even good. I know that below a certain level they are completely safe, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t scary. God, it is so hard watching and worrying about sick kids. I don’t know how my in-laws even survived it when my husband’s sis was so sick for so long. My daughter’s fever is way down today and she is acting like herself. She kicked that bugs butt. My nerves are just gone though, completely shot.
I really need to take a painkiller because my face feels like it butted by a goat, but I am too stubborn to take one. I am coping. I am writing about it. I am getting lots of hugs from my kids and really feeling like a stupid idiot for breaking into tears every five minutes, but I just can’t help it. I have to let it run its course. I am trying to remember how grateful I am that I have help and support coming from all of my friends. I guess that is all that we can do really; focus on all of the wonderful things that surround us, even at times when it is hard to get out of bed. There are too many precious moments to miss.